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I realise that I do not take failure
particularly well.
Every time I fail, I would crawl back into my shell and pretend that I have not
tried.
Then I would withdraw my efforts and strength little by little, because I
refuse to let failures again reaffirm my disabilities.
I then pretend that I have not cared at all
and that I am really just an ignorant and uncaring person who does not take
pride in her leadership and in her productions.
And I hesitate to throw my heart into my
work or indulge in a passion for fear I will fall yet again and find my heart,
my self esteem, shatter.
I think I’m too proud. I’m too proud to
fail and too prideful to accept that I’m weak.
I’m weak. I’m not number one in any way and
I have got to accept that it takes more than just a spark of potential inside a
person to succeed.
I think I’m doing a lot of things for myself
instead of for other people.
Do I always think of myself first instead
of considering the needs of the people around me? Do I go out of my way for my
friends and family? These are such tough questions to answer and to work on!
I don’t know how to live for other people and
I don’t’ know how exactly it would be to say that I’m living my life for God. I
used to think I know but I just get more and more confused and disoriented by
new discoveries and perspectives.
I may have thought that I was living my
life in a certain way before for a certain reason but I realised now that when
you indulged yourself too much in a certainty of something, especially of your
own character, it is so hard to decipher a fibre of deceit or delusion.
In order to live my life to the fullest I
should turn to the Word. But in reality what are the exact steps that I need to
take? What is my direction? I was praying a little earlier and I was reminded
of the verse that goes ‘if we have faith like a mustard seed, we can move
mountains’. Amazing. I hope I get to experience more of this in my life too.
Anyhows, Feat 1 is due tomorrow and I’m
clueless about my own progress and yes, style ‘direction’, again.
Sighs. I’m really stressed. To digress,
GUESS is having a secret sale. 40% off…….. =( and I’m so so so, utterly broke.
I want so many things you know. I want my holga (quick quick!), I want a DSLR,
a pair of new leather boots, a new GUESS bag, a skirt from CHAOS, I want to
play SIMS2, I want a new laptop (my laptop sucks!), or rather, for my laptop to
miraculous transform into a sleek (not so particular about the brand for now),
high speed, totally spacey, extremely handy and light, pre-installed with
Protools, Audio editor and Film editing programmes. Arg..
OK....Feat 1 here I come!
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